What does it feel like to place your baby for adoption?

What does it feel like to place your baby for adoption?

At just barely 19 years old, I of course thought I had the world in my palm. That I had an exact plan for what’s next, I guess that old saying “wanna hear god laugh, just tell him your plans” really is the best way to describe how I felt when I felt a little sick one day.

That “sickness” was actually my body changing and transforming, I was about 4 months pregnant, and did not even realize it. It was a earth shattering truth bomb dropped on my head.I had just graduated high school, I was working my ass off at my two jobs, starting college full-time, and had just broken up with my boyfriend-the baby’s father. I was on an emotional roller coaster and I didn’t know how to take this news. After one look at a stick with a plus sign my whole life felt like it came to a screeching stop and was going into a direction I never saw for myself at this time in my life. I had always wanted to be a mom... but not like this, not right now.

I was lucky enough to have the support of my parents, and when it came time for them to know, from my sisters, too.

“After weeks of not knowing what I wanted to do with this little “thing” growing everyday inside of me, I finally decided that although I was not ready to be a mother there was someone out there who had waited her whole life to become a mother, or to add a child to their family, to conquer parenthood.”

Out there there was someone who was ready to love a child. Adoption became the choice for me. For the first time since I had found out I was pregnant I had a direction to go. I started looking for an adoption agency and all I knew was that I wanted someone to make me feel like I was an important part of this, I wasn’t just a statistic of teen pregnancy, that I was more than that... because that’s how I felt about myself, and I was not going to let a baby, one of the most beautiful parts of womanhood, to ruin that. I wanted to create an adoption my way, since after all this was my pregnancy. At my first doctors visit, I was very nervous. I walked into the office feeling different from the other woman there, but the office staff and doctors treated me no different. But instead the doctor offered me praise in being so brave and strong. Which was exactly what I needed to hear in my nervous visit. On the first visit I heard the heart beat of the little “thing” inside of me. At this point it was still odd to think of a baby in my belly. In one doctors visit, in less than one minute of listening, I felt a whole new way about the little thing growing inside of me, it had a heart beat, and I was then also informed that it had arms and lets and fingernails forming, too. At my first ultrasound was when it hit a whole other level of real, I got to see the little thing moving around inside of me, I heard a heart beat again, and I found out I was having a girl. The ultrasound technician was so excited for me! She gave me congratulations, some pictures to take home, and I was never treated any differently than any other pregnant woman.

As my body continued to change and stretch making room for baby, it never slowed me down. At times I would feel like strangers were judging me which made me feel odd, but I always did my best to brush it off. As time passed I embraced by larger pregnant body as it was only natural, and as I felt more and more comfortable the little things stopped bothering me as much. I know that no one was actually giving me judging stares, but once I let go of the self-conscious part of myself I saw that many strangers were happy seeing my pregnant belly, and that they were happy for me.

When it came time to choosing an adoptive family was another moment that I felt lost, but when I finally chose a family for my baby girl I was encouraged and felt strong and empowered as I entered the next step of my journey... I wanted to meet them. When I met the family their biological daughter was so excited so have a little sister soon, at 6 years old she didn’t think of the baby in my tummy as anything except exciting and wonderful. I was instantly enveloped in love by the adoptive family. As the pregnancy moved further I started to share their excitement of a baby coming soon. When people would ask if I was excited to have a baby coming, I responded “yes!” It was not a lie, I was excited for the family that anxiously waiting for their baby, it was just a different kind of excitement- strangers didn’t need to know the difference. The adoptive family ad I wrote letters and would talk on the phone, almost as friends, and they were always excited to hear updates-even non baby related ones. I reminded myself that this is what I wanted all along, that these are the people I got to pick out to love my baby, and the moment became bitter-sweet and one that I will never forget. It is a moment that I knew just how much I loved my little girl and how much I would love her for the rest of my life. Just because she is gone does not mean that I love her any less, not by any means. My choice of adoption is one that many parents could never fathom, but my choice helped make a family whole, helped me evolve into a new part of my life, and for my family to bond in a way I never imagined. When it was time for baby to come, she came ready to go! She opened her bright eyes, ready to greet the world with her infectious and adorable smile and cooing baby noises. I chose to hold my baby and name her, I loved her for many days, and when it was time for her to be officially placed I thought my heart was going to shatter. I get letters, emails, and lots of photos of my baby with her bright eyes and happy smile. I get details of how happy their 6 year old is to be a big sister, and how she is surrounded by love and happiness. This was the kind of adoption I was looking for, this was the family that I wanted to love my baby as their own, and this was the sister that my baby will get to have as a best friend for her whole life.

“My choice of adoption does not make me any less of a mother, a real mother knows what is best for her child and will do anything to make that happen. Today I am called a birth-mother, and my story will continue through my daughter and her adoptive family.”