Be Open to Open Adoption

WRITTEN BY ADOPTIVE MOTHER K

In the process of adoption, it’s easy to feel powerless. In fact, you probably should…because you are.

Your timeline, your future plans, your finances, your heart—including your potential future child—are all on the line. All the details are out of your control, and nothing is guaranteed. Even though this is the case for all of life, us hopeful adoptive parents certainly get a heightened dose of awareness of this fact. It is by far the most difficult process of surrender I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t think it’s just because I’m a bit of a control-freak!

Perhaps, like me, you’ve in part come to adoption by way of infertility, and the losses just keep piling up. I might not get to be there when he’s born? I might have to compromise on choosing his name? I might not get to stay the night in the hospital with him? I don’t get to do the first feeding? These realities poke holes in the story you’ve imagined, these precious privileges other parents understandably take for granted slip through your fingers, and it all gives way to more grief.

So this idea you keep hearing about of having an open adoption may sound like one more thing you have to give up on this journey. Or, at best, it just feels like more unchartered territory, one more new thing to learn to traverse in an already complex process. I have to share my child? He has to have another parent as part of his life? I have to navigate a relationship with this person forever? And I wouldn’t blame you if everything in you just says no. Nope. That’s where I draw the line. 

Whatever the word that describes your reaction to open adoption—weird, uncomfortable, awkward, hard, sad—set it aside for a moment. 

Because if you’re already pursuing adoption, you are not faint of heart. And whether you’re a parent already or not, you may know this crucial parenting tip: doing what is best for your kids—even if when it’s not easy—is just part of the gig. You will want to bail on the consequence you threatened, you will want to skip the fight over brushing teeth, you will want to just give them the toy or the candy or the screen when they’re screaming, because wouldn’t it just be easier that way? But you’re not going to do that, because you know what’s good and right for your child. 

And having an open relationship with your child’s birth family can certainly be good and right for your child, and even for everyone involved. 

It is a reality that simply exists: your adopted child will have a birth mom or birth dad or birth-grandparent, or some sort of birth family. And wishing that birth family away or pretending it’s not there may feel easier in the moment and may seem closer to the picture of your family you think you want, but that doesn’t necessarily make it good or right.

Of course, I must stop here to say your mama or papa bear instinct or conviction to proceed with caution in this space is good. If the birth family is not a healthy or safe relationship, you of course cannot continue on in that relationship. Thankfully, there are social workers, adoption consultants, and other adoptive parents more than willing to help you evaluate those circumstances and reach those decisions. But right now, you don’t know yet if that’s the case. So let’s set “unsafe” aside for now, too, right next to weird or uncomfortable, or whatever word you chose. 

My encouragement to you is to be willing to go through some discomfort and difficulty for the sake of your child (Lord knows it won’t be the last time you do!). Be open to what this unique relationship could like—emphasis on unique. I remember reading so many blog posts from adoptive moms that followed picture-perfect story arcs—instant connection, invited into the delivery room for the birth, attends every birthday party, has regular phone calls. As a mom of two adopted children, I’m here to tell you not all open adoptions look this way, and that’s okay! Both our sons’ birthmoms live out of state, so we have not seen either birthmother in person since their births. We currently (subject to change!) have a very limited, but open, relationship with our older son’s birthmom; my husband and I reach out to share pictures from special occasions or if we have specific questions (i.e., medical history). And then we have a more open relationship with our other son’s birthfamily; we FaceTime birthmom and birthdad (separately) on special occasions, text periodically, and have a shared Google Photos album that includes some other extended birthfamily members that I post pictures to regularly. 

It may be hard for you to imagine having a relationship with birthmom (or birthfamily) because perhaps you’re not matched, and this person isn’t really “real” to you yet. Or perhaps you don’t know how you’d ever connect with someone who lives such a different life than you. But I assure there is this very obvious thing--your child--that binds you together. At the very minimum, that is the basis of your connection to this person, and that is a good filter to keep on as you move forward in the relationship. 

For us, though our relationship with our boys’ birthmothers (and other extended family) look vastly different and even the way we feel about those relationships is apt to change in different seasons or circumstances, we can absolutely see the benefits for our children.

First, having a relationship with this person humanizes them. In our family, we’ve vowed to never glorify nor demonize birthmothers for the sake of our children. They are people, like all of us, who are both beautiful and flawed, and we will treat them as such. Having this principle set from the start has been a helpful guide to us as we bring up birthmothers naturally in our conversations. 

Second, having a relationship with this person or people makes it easier for us as parents to tell our children their stories. We have simple books we wrote each of our boys telling the (age-appropriate) simple narrative of their adoptions, including plenty of pictures of us, their birthmoms, and them as newborns. They were each given their book when they turned two, and we firmly believe this is a huge factor thus far in them understanding their past and their unique journey to our family. By 2.5, our older son was able to tell us whose belly he grew inside, his birthmom’s name, the state he was born in, etc. How helpful for him that this is a regular story he knows, that he can tell in his own words and process with time. How helpful that he can see a picture of his dad and I with his birthmom to help him understand the love we all have for him. And how helpful for us that in our family we don’t have secrets. The books both end with the line: “You can always ask questions about your adoption.” And we mean it. 

We never want our kids to feel ashamed of their backgrounds, but if we brush things off as unimportant or sweep the birthfamily under the rug, which I think we are more likely to do with a closed adoption, what does that communicate to our children?

So whatever word you were feeling about open adoption, look at it again. Would you rather go through the weird, the uncomfortable, the awkward, or the hard of being in a relationship with this person or the weird, the uncomfortable, the awkward, and the hard that comes down the line when your child starts asking questions, and you have no answers, and the only reason being that you were unwilling? 

And if we pick up the word “unsafe,” again, let’s consider that we cannot properly make that evaluation without being in the relationship first. I don’t mean for that to sound reckless, like “you don’t know until you try!” with an unhealthy relationship. Instead I mean, it may be better for you as a parent to journey down that road and try to make an assessment while your child is young, so that you can be a help to him in the future if he wants to pursue his own relationship. For example, we tried to make a visit out of state to one of our son’s birthmoms, and while she agreed to the visit, she bailed out on meeting up with us without a word. We spent the money, made the long trip, geared ourselves up emotionally, and it didn’t go as we had hoped. Though we were disappointed, we absolutely don’t judge her for this; we know the life she lives as well as the emotions she may have been facing could have prohibited her from showing up even if she initially agreed and desired to. But we were thankful in the end that we, as the parents, experienced this for ourselves, while our son was still a baby and could go on unaffected, and now we’re able to keep this in the back of our minds as he grows older. With these types of experiences under our belts, that can only happen by having an open relationship, we feel more equipped to guide our children. 

In your powerlessness in this adoption process, commit to being open for the sake of your kids. Take it as a parenting challenge. Your kids will face hard things, uncomfortable things, character-stretching things, and you’ll walk them through it. But you’ll be better at walking them through those things if you’ve gone through them yourself. We can do hard things, and we’re all better for it. That’s the kind of parent I want to be, and I’m guessing you do, too.